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How do I love thy exquisite Goddess Carrie? I'd need an abacus with a 2.5 gig dual-processor to count the ways. In the meantime, greetest thou resplendent Carrie with the utmost honor and obedience. 


This freckle-endowed strawberry blonde enchantress has been an online bud of mine for some time now and she knew exactly how she wanted her portrait to look long before those grapes above were ripe for the picking. One of Carrie's primary purposes of having this portrait done is to use it as a virtual doormat to her oh-so celestial website which showcases some of her most rockin' essays. With eloquence and wit, Carrie confronts topics ranging from fat-phobic physicians to fat-headed Rush Limbaugh. 


Judging from the data I've accumulated from numerous email exchanges with Carrie, the way to this divine divinity's heart is by offering to teach her poker, helping her "de-uglify" her circa 1970s kitsch castle she calls home, and then going for a leisurely stroll down a country back road which will hopefully lead to a damn good used book store. But if you really want an inside tip on what it takes to get a cushiony cloud right next to Goddess Carrie's, skip over to a sporting goods store to bestow upon her an air hockey and/or pool table. 


And by the way, Prince Charming needed a glass slipper to help locate his Cinderella, but Carrie made the Les man's ticker do a double time drum beat when she recently identified an old obscure quote from my all-time favorite movie "Oliver!". Exactly how cool is that? And the fact that she prefers action/suspense movies over Masterpiece Theater and Jane Austin flicks just reaffirms she is the all-empowering Goddess of Frivolity. 


Carrie, thanks for conceiving one of the most radical and uplifting Toil Girl pin-up portraits these gallery walls have ever seen. Your portrait will hopefully open the eyes of every fat-fearing bigot that stumbles upon this page because even Stevie Wonder could see the positive and inspiring message it offers.


By the way, there's a few spare spaces here on the bench of my Carrie altar if anyone wants to come over and do a little worshipping with me.

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